The FFS (Sods) Law of Parenting

FFS

Hi Everyone,

So last night I was doing a dream feed for the munchkin and I had to change his nappy…and the second I took it off, whilst trying to do this quickly and quietly so he didn’t fully wake up, he decided to wee all over me! Ah yes… sods law! The law of parenting! Turns out, we encounter this quite a lot as Mums, as I’ve quickly learnt. You are about to embark on many occasions of FFS’ing under your breath…

The Timing of a Poo is EVERYTHING 

As all us Mums know, getting a little one and yourself up, fed, showered, dressed and ready to leave the house, is no mean feat. But then comes that wonderful moment, you’re ready to tackle the day, a dynamic duo, bring it on! Then lo and behold, with a great big smile the baby decides to do a poo the second you grab your keys to leave the house. Your moment of achievement is ruined, and you are back to square one with getting little one undressed, redressed all the while hoping that it’s not part one of a sequel.

Sometimes though, quite miraculously, you do make it out of the house without the obligatory last minute poo! These are fabulous moments – you’re winning at life. Then of course, you get to the supermarket, or a friends, or a class, go to get the baby out the car seat and are met with that horrendously familiar warm, dampness rapidly leaking through their clothes. More often than not this happens when you are somewhere with shoddy changing facilities, or when you are in a huge rush or, horror of horrors, when you’re at a friends pristine lovely house and you have the shame of spoiling their scented candle lit and reed diffuser filled home by bringing in the unmistakeable odour of eau’d baby poo!!!!!!

For the simple reason of poo, you will spend vast amounts of time quietly swearing under your breath. To survive this, for the love of God, do not ever leave the house without baby wipes! A poo explosion is hard enough; without wipes you’re screwed!!!!!

Public Meltdowns… they’re fun aren’t they

I swear to God, babies just know. I am convinced they wake up and decide “right, I’m going to have shit fit today for no reason other than I fancy it and I will do when I feel it is exactly the right moment”! Being the clever little things that they are, they pick these moments with extreme precision; the second you get to the till to pack shopping and pay in Tescos, when you bump into an old friend and you’re trying to give off the impression that you’re winning at motherhood, and when you’re trying to get a coat on your screaming child as it starts to piss down with rain!!!!!!  And of course in these moments the zipper will get stuck on said coat, or you will try to laugh off your embarrassment by giving the screamer a cuddle only for them to fight this by kicking at you, yanking your hair and generally acting like they hate you!

Of course you’ll get home and when it’s just you two again, your baby will be an absolute delight and reward you with cuddles and smiles. You’ll want to glare at them and declare “too little, too late kid”… but you won’t. You’ll melt 🙂

 

Sleeping Through….

The holy grail of parenting to me; getting your baby to sleep through the night. Not an easy feat. They will do it though… they’ll do it when they stay at Grandmas house, not in their own house or own bed. And Grandma will tell you what a good baby he or she has been.

You’ll then go home and baby will think sod this, and wake three times in the night complete with screaming for no apparent reason.

A Hot Drink…..

One of the things you quickly become accustomed to as a mother is having a luke warm cup of tea. You just get used to it; with a baby around there is no chance of a hot cuppa, apart from at nap time. And when that nap happens and you have that wonderful half an hour to get showered, get the washing on and quickly clean the kitchen, you ‘ll brave it and make yourself a cuppa. You’ll be thrilled at having a sit down, a hot drink and catching up with Emmerdale. The second your arse hits the sofa, your baby will wake up! They just know!

Falling Asleep at The Most Annoying Moment 

We’ve all been there; we spend half our time wishing our little bundle of joy would have a nap. They fight these naps with almost admirable determination and you decide there’s nothing else for it; you’re going to have to go for a drive, preferably via a drive thru Costa. Baby remains awake and after half an hour you give up and head home. You turn into your road, look in the baby rear view mirror…. baby is fast asleep! So now you’re faced with the dilemma of either continuing to drive around aimlessly or taking a gamble and trying to carry sleeping beauty into the house in the car seat praying they won’t wake (they will , they always do). And as you sit and ponder this quandary, you are also thinking “Whyyyyyyyyyyy couldn’t you just fall asleep in your cot so I could have half an hour to put the washing on or watch Loose Women”! More than a bit frustrating.

Fun-Definitions-patience.jpg

Embarrassing Leakage

You spend the first couple of months of breastfeeding (if this is what you’re doing) wearing breastpads for fear of public leakage. But once things settle down, your boobs stop their ridiculous and unpredictable leaking and you can stop wearing these hideous boob sanitary towels!!

And on that day you decide to brave it and don’t wear them, you’ll go out, more than likely in a white top (have I learnt nothing from “Poogate”), your baby will cry (standard) and your boobs will leak abruptly and obviously. Fan-bloody-tastic. Add breast pads to the baby wipes on the list of things to NEVER leave the house without.

Health Visitor Timing 

Health Visitors are never on time, they are always late. But they will almost certainly always turn up when the baby has scratched his face like some sort of Wolverine and looks like he’s been attacked by a Edward Scissorhands, or when you are crying your eyes out cause you’ve nicked him with the nail clippers.

And lets be honest, these are just a select few of those FFS moments we’ll encounter as parents! As I’ve said before, it’s bloody hard work, and these testing times can push you to breaking point. But laugh – you’ve got to laugh – laugh in the face of adversity, laugh at the ludicrous moments you have to put up with and just look at your cheeky babies face and I can guarantee it will calm your frustration and get a smile on your face. And for those days that are really bad…….. there’s always bed time and a glass of wine (Naughty, I know. Necessary – definitely)! booze at teh end

Thanks for reading – hope this made you smile in the face of Baby FFS moments! Don’t let them sense your fear….  😉

Xxx

go out all day


59 thoughts on “The FFS (Sods) Law of Parenting

  1. This post sums up life with a baby perfectly! My boy is nearly 3 so we are in the stage of public tantrums and potty training nightmares but I’ve got all the baby fun to look forward to in October when when number 2 makes his/her appearance xx #blogginggoodtime

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really love this post! It just sums up the typical crap that Mums go through! And they just no, the brilliantly timed poos as you’ve described, or the ‘good as gold’ halo of sleeping through FOR SOMEONE ELSE! What I am jealous off is the fact you could try going out the house without breast pads on! I’ve never even been in that league and I’m 7 months in. Love it. #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t believe Grandma when she has said they have slept through!! First time round I swear that my health visitor used to appear just as everything was hitting the fan. Babies just know, they can smell our fear #stayclassy

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes! All so true. Why does my daughter always fall asleep when I’m giving her a quick calm down feed cross legged on the floor surrounded by toy mess and no phone or drink in reach but never when I am trying to get her to have a nap. Then I get cramp and feel bored and think, ‘I’ll just shuffle over to that cold cup of tea and the newspaper and use this time wisely’, and she wakes right up. FFS! #StayClassy

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The first quote had me giggling immediately. I swear to God my little girl shouts “Mummy…” at least 7000 times a day. Usually there’s no even point to it or follow up comment. Just “Mummy…” *silence*. My “Yeeeesss?” Gets louder and more hysterically sing-songy as the day goes on. I totally agree with you. Poo and vomit will always occurred just as you are leaving the house and /or on outings where you didn’t take a spare set because you were “just nipping out”. In the same way that it will chuck it down with torrential rain every time you don’t put the rain cover under the pushchair leaving you to look like a neglectful (and soggy) mother as you try to race your screaming wet offspring home. Great post – very funny xx
    #ablogginggoodtime

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hilarious…and sadly very true! 🙂
    I can relate to them all and I whisper “for fucks sake’ at least 8 times during the day…sometimes more if the toddler is on top form!
    Made me laugh.
    Gem.x
    #ablogginggoodtime

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ha ha ha this post is so funny! Everything really does happen, especially the HV one- why does your 2yr old get a big bruise on their head right before there check up and then announce mummy did it! (True I did turn round when he was up my arse and sent him flying!) and it only gets worse as they get older except the FFS comes out louder!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Haha great post – really made me chuckle. I’m glad we’re post the exploding nappy stage now but I remember a particularly bad case just as I was supposed to be heading out to pick my bigger girl up from nursery! And another time when hubby and I tried to go for a romantic night out but I forgot to express beforehand – cue growing wet patches on a dress becoming rapidly too small for me as my boobs fill with milk. Needless to say, date was cancelled! #justanotherlinky

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ha, this really made me laugh! Especially the public meltdown. I had one of these in John Lewis when I was potty training my LO (and he was refusing to poo!) I was in the loo, crying to my Mum on the phone because I’d had to endure another traumatic poo-related experience & a woman asked if she could help. Still feel bad for shouting back “not unless you can get my son to do a f’ing poo!” Ha. Still feel terrible!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The last picture is brilliant.

    Can identify with a lot of those and I remember the white knuckle terror of leaving the house for a day out and realising on the train that there were no baby wipes…

    #BrillBlogPost

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hahahaha! All so true, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve ffs’d under my breath in the last 5 years! (It’s a lot!!) There are so so many moments that make me want to scream. Now it’s more things like everyone is ready and you’ve locked the door and you remember it’s library book day and you have NO idea where it is! Thanks for linking! #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I love this! So many times I’ve said FFS to myself – at the moment it’s the 10 times a day I fall over those little Happyland people when entering the living room and every time I put the spoon into the baby bowl and then it topples over as it’s too light! xx #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hello! I’ve been reading your weblog for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go
    ahead and give you a shout out from Porter Tx!
    Just wanted to tell you keep up the good work!

    Liked by 1 person

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