Yes, I’m Still Tired!

I’ve just come downstairs from nursing Josh before he goes down for his afternoon power nap. As I sat there feeding him in the calm and darkness I felt that familiar tiredness I often feel in my oh so comfortable nursing chair, and felt my eyelids grow heavy. I make sure I never full on fall asleep whilst feeding Josh, but I do shut my eyes and try to use it as relaxing time. And as I was doing it I thought “I wonder when I won’t feel this tired again”. Then it hit me – what if it’s never. Am I destined to be this shattered for the next 18 years!

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Us Mummies are built of strong stuff. When we have our babies we manage to adapt to this insane sleep deprived lifestyle. We do it cause we have to. There’s no choice in the matter, but it’s so worth it; our babies are everything to us. But you are tired 24/7! There are days it literally sucks the life out of you. Today I heard a Mummy friend of a friend had proclaimed how easy she found being a mother; “it’s no big deal” she allegedly spouted “I don’t know why people complain, it’s not hard work at all”. Now there is a teeny tiny chance this women said this whole heartedly and honestly…. but I’m 99.9% sure it was bullshit from someone who wants to be seen as WonderMum! Someone who gives off the impression she’s got her shit together, she goes to all the classes, the baby weans on only organic food, the baby sleeps through the night (sometimes I think I may actually weep if I hear one more smug mum who I don’t even know, tell me their baby is sleeping through and therefore why isn’t mine. I’ll tell you why! Cause he loves the tit, and I’m not stopping that till he’s a year), in fact the baby skipped crawling entirely and is now walking around perfectly……OK, well there’s that pretty picture painted, but I guarantee behind closed doors she’s just like the rest of us. She’s effing shattered, she has days when she doesn’t shower till 10pm (embrace the evening shower on these hot summer days, they are lush), she has a sneaky glass of wine mid week cause she’s had a tough day. Sometimes she feels alone and doesn’t tell anyone how hard she might be finding things because it may be seen as failure.

I don’t want this woman, or any woman, to feel that way. Us mummies are made of strong stuff, but we’re human. We’re surviving on a huge lack of sleep and whilst juggling 8 balls in the air at once. But sometimes you don’t realise, until someone points it out to you, that you have to take a step back. Fuck trying to be WonderMum. Just be Mum. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself and over do things cause it doesn’t always bode well…

In the space of three days, I’ve had four different friends show concern for me because I’ve lost weight. I’m naturally quite slim anyway, so when I lose too much weight it really shows and it’s not a good look (yes there is something that tastes as good as skinny feels – cake, cake and more cake)! Now I can assure you , just as I assured my lovely friends, it’s not been an intentional weight loss. I have no desire to loss weight. But I can admit, I’ve not been looking after myself. I think it all started whilst on holiday. Josh is still very young remember and despite what people say, I do believe he is affected when he’s in different surroundings. We lost his routine that week, which I knew we would but I just went with it because I didn’t want to let it spoil our holiday and I thought I could get things back on track once we got back.  The last couple of days there were particularly tough because Josh’s first tooth began to trying to cut through and, understandably, sent him mental. We got pretty much no sleep the last couple of nights and I was a bit slack with eating. But then we got home and I felt completely run down and terrible. It was very annoying that we’d come back from holiday and I didn’t even feel remotely refreshed. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely time with the family, but I didn’t feel relaxed or rejuvenated.

Since being back I tried to get sleeping back on track, as well as getting back to cooking most of Josh’s food as we used a lot of Ella’s Kitchen pouches whilst away thanks to their convenience. On top of the usual day to day looking after Josh, on less sleep than I had been used to a month ago, I’ve been doing PA work from home along with blogging (which I know I’ve neglected a bit, which I HATE), seeing friends, taking Josh to classes and keeping the household in order.  All normal stuff, things us Mums do every day. But I can honestly say, I am fucked!!!! I’ve felt so tired for the last two weeks it’s really gotten to me and made a few old feelings of anxiety crop up. Nothing major, nothing like what I’ve dealt with in the past,but that familiar feeling of being overwhelmed because you’re trying to do it all and not taking time out for yourself, and to enjoy life with my son every day cause I’ve been rushing around rather than prioritising and taking my time.  And this all goes back to the fact, I’ve not been taking good enough care of myself. And I have to make sure I do – as a breastfeeding Mum I have a huge responsibility to Josh to be a healthy, happy Mummy who is on top form. By attempting to do eighty things in one day this just isn’t possible.

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So this week I’ve taken that huge step back. I’ve cancelled a bunch of appointments that can wait a week or two, whilst I use this time to look at what I’m doing and make some goals and plans to manage my time in a healthier way:

  • Find a diet plan to help me maintain a healthy weight. I have a fast metabolism, I know I’m very lucky but when I’m stressed it doesn’t work in my favour. So I want to find a way to gain a bit of weight back in a healthy way so I’m not just eating cake all day every day (hmm, maybe every other day)
  • Come up with a schedule for the blog. I’ve never really planned my blog posts; I just go with it. If I want to write, I write. But I think if I have a time each week to actually post, even if it’s not when I’ve written them (I like to write when I’m really feeling something strongly as I type) it will help me feel more organised and dedicated to my blog which is my non human baby! If any of you wonderful bloggers out there have any tips for organising and scheduling your blog I’d love to hear them
  • Schedule my PA work. Now that I am a virtual PA too, I don’t want this work to slide or become half arsed. I am one of these people who likes to put 100% into all that they do, but I can’t do that if I am doing several things at once. So I’ll be setting aside some time each day to get this done.
  • LISTEN TO MYSELF!! I know that sounds like a weird one, but one thing I’ve learnt from suffering with anxiety is to listen to yourself. And that’s exactly what I am trying to do now. I had a couple of nights of lying in bed thinking about everything I had to get done. And I felt that familiar worry clouding my head. The stupid thing is, all these things don’t have to be done that instant. So I didn’t do the washing today; so what! Who cares!! Life is all about enjoying each day, not missing a moment. Yes of course we all have regular, tedious day to day things that do need doing, but life is already overwhelming enough, we shouldn’t make it any harder for ourselves. It’s all about balance and prioritising. It’s more important to me that I take Josh out for a walk in the fresh air every day  and enjoy it rather than stress about getting the washing done!

So that’s what I’m going to do going forward. I’m going to be a strong and happy Mummy. Not a frazzled and stressed Mummy. Only I can control that and I will because I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I always liked to think I was a tough cookie but I never did myself justice in how strong I am until I admitted suffering with anxiety. That may not sound like a big deal but to anyone else who has suffered with it, you’ll know that speaking up and opening up about how you feel is a huge step. So I am going to stick to being that strong woman, one who can take on the challenges we all face day to day, and balance them and take my time. And by doing this I’ll continue to build my resilience to my anxiety. I’m a strong woman, a loving person, a good soul, an open book, a big heart and I’ll continue working on myself positively and giving myself a bit of credit where it’s due.

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I hope you lovely readers don’t mind me babbling on. Sometimes us writers just find a flow with writing and it comes from the heart. And given what I’ve said, I’m going to make sure I do a regular post just on me, and how I’m getting on with things and coping with good times and bad. Sometimes you need to hear these things to relate to someone, and find comfort that it’s not just you who feels that way sometimes.

Thanks for reading beauts xx

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69 thoughts on “Yes, I’m Still Tired!

  1. Fi I ADORE this. It’s so honest and brave of you to write so candidly about how you’re feeling and I know you don’t need me to tell you that we all go through it. TM’s sleeping has got a lot worse recently, who knows why, but there’s been a few days where I have just felt a bit sad and weary and impatient with my clingy boy! Anyway I love how you’ve set yourself positive and realistic goals and ideas to make sure you look after yourself, I think that’s such a healthy attitude to have and a wonderful way to look at things. You’re fabulous!!

    Oh and I love the phrase ‘He loves the tit’ haha- my boy definitely does too! Oh and that last picture is genius, it’s essentially how I get through the day (although switch coffee for peppermint tea or hot chocolate) 😘 Ellen xxx

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  2. Fab post Fi, being a mum is so hard..I can remember all those times I could have fallen asleep feeding Leo but I always managed not to. I was also the mum of the baby who didn’t sleep through the night when everyone else’s did and I had people worrying about my weight loss too. I don’t have advice on diet but when I stopped breastfeeding o quickly put a few pounds back on and looked much healthier for it so it really is important to be eating lots when you’re feeding. I think you’re goals are spot on, make some time for yourself and zlbd kind to yourself. You’re a fab mummy xx #BloggerClubUK

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  3. You have captured this so perfectly! The exhaustion is crippling and not knowing when/if there’s a finish line makes it harder. My 4 month old is nowhere near sleeping through and just wants the boob all night! Have a good day and bring on the coffee! Xx #thebabyformula

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  4. Four years of being a mum and I’m still exhausted. I have days where I can’t keep my eyes opens and days where my body just wants to collapse. Great goals and it’s good to break things down into what’s achieveable. That mum was 100% not telling the truth!!! X #bloggerclubuk

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  5. Oh Fi I love this so much. Firstly – I’m so glad you mentioned you thought that mum was bullshitting as that’s exactly what it is! Just as you say, we just need to be Mum and nothing more…none of this perfection stuff. I’m so glad you’re going to take care of yourself, it’s so easy when you’re going through the broken sleep and up at 3/4/5am to just forget about yourself…I am so guilty of it myself and a couple of days realised had 2 jaffa cakes for lunch (not dissing Jaffas but not the best lunch!). Also, I have set myself a schedule over the past 2 weeks and it’s made a huge difference – my brain finally feels like is space to breathe rather than me putting pressure on myself to blog more and all the time 🙂 You’re doing great lovely xxx Thanks for linking this to #dreamteam and also reading from #bloggerclubuk

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  6. Seriously, I had no idea how exhausting it would be to be a mummy… We are also back from holidays and Baba we also lost our routines. I knew it would happen but I am already tired just thinking I will have to start it again… Good luck with the rest of your week and you are doing super good! #SharingtheBlogLove

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  7. God, when will women just stop with the whole ‘I’m supermum’ thing? I really struggle to believe that there is anyone out there finding it a walk in the park, there’s no shame in admitting it’s tough! Well done on taking control and putting some importance back on looking after yourself. I always find that it gets to a low point with me and then it’s like a sudden realisation that I’ve not been doing it. The lack of sleep aspect is what I undoubtedly found the hardest thing about being a parent – everything is a struggle on no sleep! Best of luck with your goals – it sounds like you have everything in hand though! Thanks so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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  8. I remember these days so well – because they were only like a month ago. It’s so hard to manage when your baby won’t sleep for more than a few hours at a time, you’ve had to time to yourself and you’re absolutely shattered. I lost a lot of weight during that period too (that I’m slowly gaining back), but we’ve turned a corner sleep-wise. The Popple was a horrific sleeper for the first 12 months of her life, and then she just kind of worked out how to do it. It will happen for you too – they all figure it out in the end! #coolmumclub

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  9. I hear you. My son Noah didn’t sleep through the night for 15 months and i breastfed for 16. It’s tough – so tough. But it DOES get better i promise. Thank goodness us women are built of tough stuff huh? Also the weight thing – I was the same – a lot of it will be the nursing. Just make sure you have lots of easy to grab finger food in the fridge, that’s my top tip! Charlie@realgirlramblings #sharingthebloglove x

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  10. Brilliant, honest post. And I can totally relate. My little one is now 19 months but I remember this period vividly. Like you, I’m also naturally slim so when I lost the ‘baby weight’ that’s all that would be commented on…I mean it wasn’t intentional either. I was just adjusting myself. I couldn’t agree more that people need to stop being wonder mum and just be mum – you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to be a perfect parent. We all make mistakes and have our low points. Thanks for sharing such an honest open and real read. Oh and you’re doing great! #coolmumclub

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  11. Hi lovely! This is a really wonderful candid post. You will probably find as Josh grows and his demands change, your life evolves too, back into work, socialising more, maybe more babies (?!) that it all takes another piece of your energy. I will hopefully always love my blog and what it ha brought me, but it’s not easy to maintain alongside the ‘other stuff’! Having a schedule really helped me think about times in the week I want to blog, and when I don’t. I don’t post at weekends and generally slow right down during school holidays (as apparently the blog scene can quieten down anyway). On top of that a good and proper break from time to time works wonders for your sanity!
    In other words, I’m really knackered too Fi. We aren’t superhuman, and we need to give ourselves a bit of TLC from time to time. I have also experienced weight loss in the last year, which I call the ‘I never sit down diet’. AKA being a Mum.
    Forever loving your work – see you after the summer, if not before of course as I’m sure to pop by…
    x Thanks for linking up lovely #coolmumclub

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  12. Gosh, I think we’ve all been there. Good on you for acknowledging and sharing. Having some ‘me’ time and eating well are both crucial when you have a child literally leaching life from you (in the nicest of ways!).

    It might sound like a silly thing to suggest but have you tried having a big bowl of porridge with banana for breakfast? It literally kept me functioning through the morning from the moment my daughter was born. Even now she’s 18 months old I still need it every day I’m at home with her…just in a slightly smaller portion.

    #CoolMumClub

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  13. Thank you for sharing such an honest post. Us mums have all been through the same thing – sleepless nights, never seeing the bottom of the laundry basket – just be honest with your fellow mums. I don’t know where this sense of that we need to show a stiff upper lip and look like we can cope came from, in fact I wrote a post recently called ‘even superwoman needs help’ and the amount of mums that stopped me at the school gates to say they really related did surprise. Hope you get to keep your me time. #sharingthebloglove

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  14. A wonderfully honest post. Dealing with anxiety is exhausting as it is and then add children and oh my gosh there are days of struggles. Life goes up and down. Many of us and like swans upon the water looking like we have it together whilst under the water we are struggling to keep afloat. Be you, be honest, never be afraid to ask for help, trust me most mums get it! Maybe there are some women out there with easy babies and who love cleaning their house, but most of us are not that way. #Kcacols

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  15. Im exhausted all the time too. I guess the first step is to recognise that you are shattered and see if there’s any room in your life for changes , like you have done . My problem is I’ve had two kids who are terrible sleepers , so not sure what to do about that ! #kcacols

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  16. This is a really wonderful, honest post. I definitely think there is a shift in recent months and years of more mums being honest about the challenges and this is brilliant. I pity the woman you mentioned trying to be wonder mum. I always say I’m not a “perfect mum” but a “good enough mum” and I’m happy with that.

    And I feel for you, I remember the tiredness well. It does get easier of course but even later on you still have the odd night (like last night with my 3 year old!). Taking care of yourself is so vital xxx #bloggerclubuk

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    1. Thank you so much lovely – I am sure it does get easier and when we have a good day it makes things so much easier. But as you say, looking after yourself is so important xx #bloggerclubuk

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  17. I could’ve written this myself! I feel exactly the same and I was exhausted when I came back from holiday too! Running around and later nights! I find I have the odd night where I get a bit more sleep and it keeps me going for a few weeks! xx

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  18. I love the honesty of your post. You are very right about listening to yourself and also making time to take care of yourself too. I am completely shattered at the moment….I half blame it on the window issue we have (oh gawd not that again lol). No one is really getting a full nights sleep and there have been occasions where I have left the washing pile and not cleaned the bathroom to grab a bit of sleep. Thank you for linking up to the #dreamteam

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  19. Lovely honest post. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself though. It really does get easier at some point. Mine are 3 and 18 months and they have both slept 7.30 pm – 7.00 am for the first week of the Summer holidays. It has been absolute bliss. I have almost certainly jinxed that by typing it out! Thanks so much for linking with #KCACOLS. We hope you come back again next week.

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  20. Well done for being featured on #SharingTheBlogLove – I can totally see why! A post full of honesty, but also positivity. I love how you end it with a really good pep talk. I also wish that ‘experts’ were this honest about breast feeding and motherhood generally, although it might put some people off haha!

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  21. Oh my goodness, I love this post Fi! Thank you for sharing. It is so honest and heart-felt. And WELL DONE YOU for recognising what needs to be done. That is by far the hardest bit. I can really relate to you as I am still feeding a 23-month old and have always struggled with weight too. I have managed to put some back on this year but leading up to his first birthday was the lightest I’d ever been. And I eat HUGE amounts (of good healthy food) plus a LOT of cake. But the minute I get anxious it falls off of me. And it’s horrible, because like you, I then receive the concerned comments. And as much as I like cake, it doesn’t actually make you feel great eating it nearly every day (says she who has just scoffed a bit because baby has decided to add an extra feed in the night again!) But well done for creating an action plan. You sound so strong and obviously know yourself extremely well. Follow your plan and your instinct and keep enjoying the moment. A fantastic post. #Sharingthebloglove

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  22. I can totally relate this this post. Why do we feel like we have to pretend we’re on top of everything? I love your final point about listening to yourself – I’m a big believer in the voice at the back of your voice always being right. You might not want to listen to it right now but eventually you’ll realise it’s true. #sharethebloglove

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  23. Yes I am tired too! We just get on with it don’t we. I’ve really cut back on the blog the last month. I had been posting 5/6 blogs a week, I am cutting this back to 3 with the occasional 4th on whim. It seems to be working #sharethebloglove

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  24. Oh bless you. I totally sympathise, our boys are similar in age so i know what its like, especially when you are busy with a mllion other things. (We are trying to get Freddie to sleep in his own bed as Ive let him sleep in with me for the last about 4 months and he hates it and screams and wakes up every couple of hours – its like having a newborn again!! Hoping that stops soon….)
    Our routine took a hit when we went on holiday too so I hope that you get that back on track soon. Josh looks so healthy and happy so you know you are doing a fantastic job, but yes it is important to look after yourself too. Hope you are feeling better soon xxx
    #Sharingthebloglove

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  25. Oh I hope that post has helped you feel a little better? I find getting it out and writing the words can help, even just a little in helping me through a tough time. I have been there, where the tiredness is consuming, the days feel as insurmountable as the days. I know everyone says it a phase blah blah blah but when you’re going through it it does.not.feel. Like and effing phase. You’re doing the right thing though, listening to yourself and your body is key, don’t over do it, try rest where possible and eat good food. I wish you all the best and hope you get some rest soon xx #sharethebloglove

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  26. I can empathise with the having about 8 balls in the air at one time! I am one of those horrid smug mothers with a baby who sleeps (don’t be a hater) but I am still struggling to work, mother, blog, relax and look after myself. I can’t imagine how you are keeping it all going with little sleep. Hats off to you my dear, you are doing a great job. Just try to be kind to yourself #sharethebloglove

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