Miscarriage – Don’t be scared to talk about it

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to write this post after watching the incredibly brave video posted by Anna Saconne Joly who sadly miscarried at 11 weeks recently. Anna has a huge following and wanted to explain to her followers what had happened and how she was feeling.

tell me your story

The thing that struck me about this was how incredibly brave Anna was for doing this, for two reasons, both of which I’ll elaborate on. One, for being brave enough to talk about the miscarriage so soon after it happened and in such a personal way, and two, for discussing the subject itself because it is so often something that people don’t know how to broach and bring it up.

I have suffered miscarriages. They were early miscarriages and in both circumstances I didn’t know I was pregnant until I had lost the baby. The first thing to point out is that people often said this was a blessing in disguise. That it was better to lose a baby in the early stages. And to an extent, I do agree. I cannot even begin to imagine how horrific it must be to go through a late miscarriage or still birth; the thought breaks my heart. But experiencing an early miscarriage is still incredibly painful. It still breaks your heart, it is still the loss of a child, and as a woman it is still something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.

miscarriage quote

I had no idea what was going on when I had my first miscarriage; I was only 21. It was so scary and unexpected. I’d been on the pill but something obviously went amiss and I had fallen pregnant. I was so young and frightened. I suffered quite badly physically with this miscarriage and the intrusive experience of a D and C, although necessary and for my own good, was  horrible.

The second time I miscarried I felt even more heartbroken. I’d been with Sam for a couple of years by then so it was even more painful as I knew he was the one and although it wouldn’t have been the best time for us, it would have been our baby.  I will never forget that familiar moment of pain and dread when I saw the bleed, knowing it was not my period and that I was going to go through that awful experience again. When Sam took me to the doctors I remember I saw this nurse. I barely remember listening to her cause I already knew what she was going to say, and it turns out she was a complete bitch! She was completely unfeeling, shoving a leaflet in my hand and telling me to go about my business as normal and use a hot water bottle for any pain relief. I remember I went home and was a complete mess. Thank God I had lots of support from Sam and my friends. I was incredibly emotional and hormonal in the days afterwards and cried so much. I thought I was never going to get over it. I don’t think you ever really “get over” these things, you never forget but you learn to cope. You deal with things and you get stronger.

I know a lot of people will say things after an early miscarriage to try and comfort you and make you feel better; “everything happens for a reason”, “it’s natures way”, “there was something wrong with the baby and it’s better something happened now rather than later in the pregnancy” and overall, they are right. But no matter how early, it is still the loss of a child. I remember feeling guilty for being so upset; I hadn’t known I was pregnant, I had people in my life who had gone through stillbirths and other horrendous pregnancy complications, I felt almost as though I should count myself lucky that I’d not suffered in such a horrific way as others. But at the end of the day, the second you find out you have been carrying a child, you’re a mother.  I was a mother before I had Josh, I was a mother without a child, but I was still a Mum to a little baby I’d sadly lost. People also say something which I find vile at this early stage of pregnancy loss; “at that point it was just a bunch of cells”. What a stupid thing to say. Anyone who has had a baby, from the moment you got that positive pregnancy test and you were only 2 or 3 weeks pregnant, you already envisaged that little person. You have a nickname for them, you are already imagining what they will look like. To you they were far more than “a bunch of cells”. They were a part of you and they were your baby. So I refuse to apologise for grieving for that. Yes people have gone through worse, and yes Mother Nature takes her course sometimes and you have no choice but to follow her lead. But a loss is a loss and you are entitled to deal with that however you see fit; it is completely normal to feel like you have lost a child because essentially you have. It doesn’t matter how long you have carried that child for; no one should be made to feel as though they’re making a big deal of things when going through a miscarriage. No one should be made to feel bad for getting upset.

mother love

I think only people who have experienced miscarriage will really understand what I am saying here. It’s very hard to understand if you’ve not gone through it. But far more people than you realise will have gone through it; it is estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage which is incredibly sad and very scary if you are trying to get pregnant.

At six weeks pregnant with Josh I had a bleed. I was devastated. Here we go again I thought. We’d been trying for so long and wanted this baby so much. I felt sick to my stomach. Given my history I got in to see the doctor that afternoon and he booked me in for a scan the next morning. That wait for the scan was the longest day of my life! Looking back now I should have registered I wasn’t feeling the pain I’d felt with my two miscarriages but I felt so hopeless I couldn’t see any positives. I didn’t speak that whole evening, I just sat pretty much curled up in Sams lap silently crying and praying. I prayed very very hard. No one knew I was pregnant at that point so I couldn’t even turn to anyone other than Sam for advice. I love my husband an insane amount, but sometimes you need another woman, someone who would understand that fear and worry from a female perspective. I remember when we went for the scan the next day I decided to try and be a bit more positive. I can honestly say I’ve never felt such relief and joy as I did when the sonographer told me to look at the pulsating blob on the screen; my babies heartbeat, strong and real! You’ve never heard two people sign relief as loudly as Sam and I did that morning. I felt like the luckiest and most grateful person in the world. It was simply implantation bleeding, something incredibly common in the early stages of pregnancy, although scary none the less.

I can’t lie, I was on edge throughout my pregnancy. But as you obviously know all went well and we had our healthy baby boy. I don’t think words will ever express how blessed I feel to have Josh. I have several people close to me who have experienced miscarriage both early and late in pregnancy. It is such a difficult time to go through and I think a lot of women who go through miscarriage in the early stages don’t speak about it for fear of being labelled as someone making a big deal of it! It is a big deal. It is something that stays with you forever. Please, don’t suffer on your own. Turn to people you can talk to about it; don’t bottle it up. And be gentle on yourself; if you need to cry, cry. We are lucky enough now that there are many professional lines of support and information surrounding miscarriage now so if you need to talk to someone completely unrelated and separate then please contact one of the charities I’ve linked at the end of this post.

don't be ashamed

I apologise if you’ve found this post sombre, but it is something that we should be able to speak about. There are far to many taboo subjects yet they are always the subjects that need to be discussed the most because, so often talking about it is the first step to dealing with it and looking forward. As always, this is written from the heart and my own experiences and even if only one person reads this and finds comfort from it, then that will make me happy.

Sending love to anyone who has taken the time to read this

Miscarriage Association

Child Bereavement

Tommys

 

3 Little Buttons
Mummuddlingthrough

63 thoughts on “Miscarriage – Don’t be scared to talk about it

  1. I have had a miscarriage myself and know exactly how you feel. It’s weird thinking about it now, as I have a baby in my arms and for me that has taken away the pain, but at the time it was awful. I was so scared throughout the first trimester with Piglet. You are definitely not alone.

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  2. Beautiful post Fi and so well written. I had a miscarriage six months before I found out I was pregnant with SB – it was every bit as unexpected as my pregnancy with SB was, but it still hurt and has always stayed with me. I’ve written a post about it but it’s been sat in my drafts since November last year because I can’t summon up the courage to post it, but you’re so right – the silence does need to be broken x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is such an important message and beautifully written post. Woman should speak about miscarraige more, at least to their close friends. It is very hard carrying that inside of you. I haven’t had a miscarriage however I have helped a very close family member through hers and I know how hard it can be. Thank you for sharing your story Fi and encouraging more woman to talk about it. : )

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  4. Oh Fi. This made me cry. You are so brave for writing about this. I totally agree that people shouldn’t belittle your loss, it must be utterly devastating. Two very close friends of mine have experienced miscarriages and it has been very difficult to see their grief. I was pregnant when one of them went through it and I felt quite guilty. it’s such a terrible thing to go through. Thank you for sharing this.

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    1. Thank you for your lovely post honey. I feel sad that you felt guilt during your pregnancy – yes it is awful to go thru but a true friend will only ever be happy for you 💛 xx

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  5. I am so sorry that you have suffered 2 losses and am so happy that the 3rd bleeding experience was actually a positive one. I cried reading this as it struck quite a cord. I too have an angel baby. I was 10 weeks when I have a missed miscarriage and then had to have the op. I was absolutely devastated. Some people said thoughtless and hurtful things but to me the baby had a name and gender already and I was planning our future as a family having just found a new home and already having chosen the bedroom for the baby before we had bought it. It took another 2 and a half years to get J. This is a topic that is very hushed up and I think you are right – it should be discussed far more. Well done 🙂

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  6. I think it’s great that you’re being so open and honest about your experience. I know so many women who have had miscarriages but feel like they can’t talk about it, especially if they have a child now, as though that should erase the pain. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to go through a pregnancy after a miscarriage.

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    1. Thank you for your comment honey. Yes I can’t lie it was an added stress during pregnancy, you’re always on edge. But it has made me eternally grateful for what I have with Josh xxx

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  7. I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I sympathise massively, I have had fifteen miscarriages up to 13 weeks of pregnancy, and my second son Joseph was stillborn nine months into my pregnancy. You never get over that kind of loss but it has always helped me to speak about my experiences and share my story with others. Joseph would have been ten this summer and is still a huge part of our lives, the pain of losing him never goes away but we have found a way to live with that pain and that’s the most important thing I guess. Lots of love. Xx

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    1. Laura I think you are one of the strongest and most inspiring people I’ve ever come across. I cannot even begin to comprehend what you’ve been through and I cried when I read this comment. I would love to do anything I can to help you raise awareness for this subject xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh gosh thank you so much, right back at you though, I think experiencing loss makes you stronger, even when you can’t see it. I am holding a “SANDS summer soirée” in July, three days before Josephs tenth birthday, all proceeds going to charity in his name. If you could retweet a link to it or share on your social media that would be amazing. I feel cheeky asking people to do that but it’s an amazing cause and one which far too many of us can relate to. I will tweet you later on. And in all honesty, despite everything I have been through, despite losing so many longed for babies, I have been so, SO lucky to have four healthy children. Some people are never that lucky. Xxx

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  8. I read this with tears in my eyes, I myself have never experienced miscarriage but have close friends who have. A wonderful post to read and helping for anyone going through similar X #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think people can not really understand unless they have experienced it themselves. In our very British way we find it very very difficult to know what to say when people go through any terrible experience. But some people are thoughtless. I had 2 miscarriages at 7 and 11 weeks and both were absolutely devastating and I didn’t tell many people… but I do think it needs to be talked about more.

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  10. Well done for writing this…it isn’t an easy subject but it happens a lot more than we realise…something I wish I had known when I was going through one of mine. I’m sorry to hear you had a bitch of a nurse…they need to understand that each person is an individual and should be treated so – even though they may see dozens in one day. So pleased you have your little boy now! Thanks for sharing #bloggerclubuk

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  11. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages lovely. I wrote a similar post a couple of months ago about a recent miscarriage I had. It was heart breaking, it still is and I still have days when I just feel incredibly sad (today is one of them).
    It does need talking about more – before it happened to me I had no idea how it can affect someone for months and months afterwards. xxx

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  12. So well written lovely. I’m so sorry you’ve been through that, miscarriage is so tough. One of the hardest things a woman can go through I believe and indeed her partner too. Very brave of you to articulate your experiences and I’m sure it’ll help others. xx #thebabyformula

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I know and all the cliches as well people actually said to me well at least you’re young? What kind of logic is that X

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh Fi, this is so beautifully written…you are so brave writing this and getting through something so difficult with such positivity. This post will definitely help others in the same situation. It’s something that rarely gets spoken about but shouldn’t be taboo at all. Fantastic post xxx #stayclassy

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  14. It has taken me a couple of days to decide to write a comment on your post. I still haven’t been able to write my post about the 3 miscarriages I had in 2 years before we finally got pregnant with baby girl. Its still too raw. I was pregnant on my wedding day back in 2013 and while on our honeymoon I just didn’t feel right. That was number 1. Number 2 happened in 2014 and I thought why is it happening again. I was told it was just bad luck. Well you know that bad luck comes in 3’s so my 3rd was at the beginning of 2015, Valentines day we were rushed in as i started uncontrollaby bleeding. Everything was sent away to be tested. Just bad luck cropped up again. After the 3rd time we decided we were going to have a break from trying. If we were not blessed with children so be it. Then our miracle happened we found out we were pregnant less than 2 months after the last miscarriage. We were so scared. At 6 weeks i asked for a scan due to the past history and there on the screen was heartbeat beating perfectly. I was on tenderhooks until that 12 week scan. Now I am a mummy to the most beautiful rainbow baby girl who is nearly 14 weeks old. Our family is complete at last. xx

    #stayclassy

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    1. I am so sorry to hear you went through such a difficult and horrible time but am so happy you have your beautiful baby girl ❤ I am really touched that you felt you could comment on this post when it's such a raw subject. You're amazing xx #stayclassy

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  15. Hi fi – this is a very moving piece of writing. I’m so sorry you went through those times. We lost our second daughter at 24 weeks – it’s a long story, and one I’ve chosen not to blog about, however I do find it really therapeutic to talk about it in real life, strangely. So, I absolutely agree with what you have said here. Going through the loss of a child at any stage (I imagine) changes you forever – it makes you realise what you have, what is important, and how precious and miraculous life is.
    Sending hugs x
    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

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    1. Thank you lovely for your comment. I can’t even begin to express how sorry I am that you went through that. It does help to talk I think. Wish I could give you a massive hug, sending you one. xx #coolmumclub

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  16. This is a beautiful post. I too agree that miscarriage is something we should be able to talk about. It helps aid in the healing process. When I had my miscarriage I was 9 weeks and found out the baby stopped growing at 5. It was very hard. The quote you had about carrying a baby in your heart instead of your arms was heartbreaking and made me cry but it’s true. My husband and I will try again soon (we’ve kind of been trying, kind of not, I’m still not sure if I’m ready). I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this as well. My love goes out to you momma. ❤ #coolmumclub

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. I am so sorry to hear you have also been through this – it’s such a heartbreaking thing to go through. Take your time and be gentle with yourself – don’t push yourself. Big hugs xx #coolmumclub

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  17. you are right, it is something we should talk about. it is so common as well. right from that moment you get a positive test, you start thinking ahead and planning. hugs to you wonderful ladies who have been through this #fortheloveofBLOG

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  18. Please do not apologise. There is nothing to apologise for. One of my best friend also had a miscarriage of her third child. It is hard and it is a BIG deal. Bless you and my poor friend. She is now pregnant again and is due in any days now. She has lots of support from close friends and family and I think it is that what make her stronger. Thank you for sharing your personal post. #TheBabyFormula

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  19. I had two miscarriages between BB and Little B so can definitely relate to this – I did write about it, but not until I was expecting Little B and it seemed like everything was going to be ok… I’m sure this post will help others x #coolmumclub

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  20. So sorry to hear your story lovely. I watched Anna Saccone’s video too and was really moved by her honesty and bravery. I don’t know why it isn’t talked about more because it’s incredibly common. Perhaps, as in my case, it is too painful to relive the story for some people so we just choose not to talk about it. Good on you for sharing your story because I think it will help other women feel less alone. Thank you for sharing with us on #fortheloveofBLOG x

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  21. Hi Fi, thank you for telling your story, it must have been difficult. I haven’t gone through this myself, but I do know someone who has in very late in pregnancy. It destroyed her. No one can ever know what’s its really like without going through it themselves, I complete agree with this. If only is was more talked about, perhaps ladies wouldn’t feel like they had to hide it. Thank you so much for linking this up to the #DreamTeam xx

    Liked by 1 person

  22. This is such a moving post. I think it’s wonderful that you are putting your thoughts & feelings out there. Miscarriage isn’t talked about enough. It’s a terrible loss but no one thinks about the mother & what she has to go through – the physical & emotional pain of losing a child. And I agree no amount of helpful words takes away the fact that it is a loss. Thanks so much for linking up with #bloggerclubuk x

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m sorry for your losses. I agree with you – I don’t think it is for other people to determine how you should view or grieve a loss that is yours, or how it should compare to other losses. Everybody’s experiences and perspective are subjective, and the fact that other people suffer things that may, objectively, seem even ‘worse’, does not change the impact of your experience for you personally. I haven’t had a miscarriage. I had an ectopic pregnancy, but I think that, while it is also hard, is a slightly different type of experience and different emotions. #coolmumclub

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