A Letter to my pregnant Bestie

Hi Everyone,

So I have just found out that one of my best friends is having her first baby!  Excited doesn’t even come close – I’m thrilled for her. And as soon as I heard her wonderful news I knew exactly what I wanted to do…. I wanted to write her a letter, and share it with you all. Enjoy…….

To my gorgeous little Bex,

I cannot believe that it’s been 21 years since we met, as little short arsed geeks in that terrifying first year at our all girls school. We bonded over our mutual immaturity and I vividly remember us going through the dictionary’s we had been given when we started and finding all the swear words and literally cried with laughter at them!

And now we’re actual grown ups; home owners, married, and now Mummy’s. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I was when you told me you were pregnant. You are so made for this Bex.

It’s hard to put into words what you’re about to experience; this amazing journey. In a way it’s two journeys; pregnancy and then when the baby actually arrives, but really it is all motherhood and it’s the best feeling in the world.

Now I don’t claim to be an expert, I just write about this stuff from my own experience. But I wanted to offer some guidance as you embark on this crazy ride called Mummyhood….:

Pregnancy is the best excuse in the world for so much; own it! No you cannot get up and make your own cup of tea; not only are you pregnant and needing to rest but you’re still trying to get over the shock of no wine for 9 months… so yes hubby you will have to get up and make you a cuppa…… and unload the dishwasher….. and nip to Tescos because if you don’t have a bowl of wheetos/a grapefruit/ a Mars bar ice cream (yes I did crave all these things) then you’re going to quite spectacularly lose your hormonal shit!

Be prepared – random strangers are going to start smiling at you. Don’t be creeped out; it’s cute. As your bump grows, so will the smiles. Personally I drew the line at random strangers attempting to stroke my bump, but I give off that “stay away” vibe (inner bitch) so I didn’t encounter it too much. The smiles and lovely comments from strangers are sweet; you feel super proud of yourself and your bump and it cheers you up a huge amount when you’re having a day when you feel like a walrus.

Brace yourself; you’re about to get a shitload of advice. No not from me (unless you ask for it). I’m talking unwanted advice. You will get pissed off; you will get those subtle AKA not subtle judgemental looks from people for the most random of things. I had an old lady tell me off when I went to Costa when I was pregnant; she said it was damaging to the baby to have caffeine (FYI you are allowed about a cup of coffee/tea a day but just switch to decaf if you’re worried – I did cause the whole thing confused me and I wanted to save my caffeine quota for the copious amounts of chocolate I knew I’d devour). Anyway she backed off when I informed her I was actually drinking a hazelnut hot chocolate, and when she clocked the size of me and the fact that if she pissed me off anymore I’d probably sit on her which would have been some what damaging!!  When you get this sort of “advice” nod along, be polite and just silently repeat to yourself f**k off; they’ll never know what you’re thinking 😉

You are also going to get advice from people you do know. Namely, your Mum and your Mother in Law. They are no doubt falling over themselves with excitement about the baby. The one thing you have to remember is everything they say to you is out of love, and their experience. In some ways it will be adorable, valuable and gratefully received. In other ways, it will irritate you so much you will contemplate moving to Australia to escape it. You will hear things along the lines of “well I did that when I was pregnant with you and you turned out fine”. Gently remind them that nowadays there are certain guidelines and advice thanks to the miracle of advanced medical practise and research and you will do what YOU feel is right for YOU.  They will drive you bananas at times, but they will also be the ones at the end of the phone comforting you as you cry your eyes because you are just too hot (yes this did happen and God bless my Mum for not laughing as I sobbed to her about how warm I was). Try not to lose it with them. And don’t move to Australia; they have poisonous spiders and scary shit there!

People will spoil you; gifts, cuddles, and not having to lift a finger Own it! It’s awesome!

You’ll hit the 4 month mark and get a raging horn on – bang away, don’t believe any horror stories about it hurting the baby. Orgasm = Endorphins = Happy Baby = Happy Mummy. Winner.

If anyone even remotely comments negatively about your weight, or decides to ask or even advise you how you plan to lose the weight after your baby, tell them , as politely as you can, to f**k off. I ate shit loads whilst pregnant and my Mum, with the best of intentions, had said a few times I needed to watch it as I would find it hard to lose. I love her but I did tell her very honestly what I thought of this advice and that the only thing I’d be watching was when Cadbury Buttons went back on to the two for one offer at Tesco. People can be insensitive but they don’t mean to be sometimes. And if they are being a bitch, well, I know you; you’ve got that covered and take no crap!

Hormones…. they’re fun. One minute you’ll be crying at the latest Inside Soap Awards (I told you this was all written from experience) the next you will go bat shit crazy at Hubs because he has LEFT HIS BLOODY DIRTY SOCKS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN RATHER THAN PUTTING THEM IN THE LAUNDRY BIN (seriously guys, it’s not hard is it)! Your man will have days where he can’t do right for doing wrong and will wonder where his lovely normal wife has gone. If you get any such smart arsed comments remind him you’re the one growing a human that you will have to squeeze out a very small place with a huge loss of dignity and to shut up and get you another magnum. As my hubby did, they learn pretty quickly messing with a pregnant lady isn’t advisable and they are good as gold for most of the pregnancy.

You will cry at everything. Do NOT watch the Lion King. Or Bambi. Or Marley and Me…. in fact never watch that; you need therapy afterwards.

Don’t compare yourself to other Mums. There is way too much unnecessary competitions between mothers as it is. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself.

Don’t spend too much money on the more high end baby clothes. I know, they are so cute you can’t resist but I’m telling you, these kids can produce so much poo and puke it’s actually mind boggling. One time, I didn’t get a fresh nappy on Josh quick and he poo’d with some sort of weird human super force and it sprayed me, the carpet, the new rug and anything else that I of course couldn’t get the stain out of.

Your tits are about to get all kinds of awesome; this is what we waited for since year 8 Bex. It’s like having a boob job; bloody brilliant. This is why my boobs where out the whole summer of 2015!

You don’t need to buy Fairy Non Bio every time – it costs the earth. Sainsburys own non bio is ace and smells lush. Because Bex, you have no idea how much laundry you’re about to start doing.

Labour hurts. Take the drugs.

Join NCT. Yes it’s expensive and there is every chance you’ll have a hippy as your teacher like I did, but you will make an invaluable group of  friends who will go through this journey with you. I love my NCT Girls (apart from the one who made her baby go nappy free and shit over the toilet at 10 weeks, I don’t care for her much. Inner bitch again, sorry).

Babe, I’m not going to lie to you, the first month the baby is here, it is hard. It’s amazing, wonderful, life changing. But oh my god it is hard. You will be tired, you will be hormonal (yes still), and you will want to punch hubby. If it helps just do it, he’ll probably understand……

Seriously, don’t try and be superwoman that first month. Let people help; let your Mum and Mother in Law cook for you and clean your house and get your shopping.  Don’t be pressured into things; if you want a day of no visitors then you say so. Don’t try and clean the house. Have a few days of just the three of you, cuddle the baby all day and bond; you will spend hours looking at the baby in absolute astonishment thinking my God we made this. And it’s amazing; it’s the most rewarding feeling

Most of all please know I’m here for you. All your friends are, and lets face it you have tonnes. But I wanted to take this moment to say I am here for you, any time, any embarrassing questions, any advice, any reason to cry, I’m here. I love you so much and I am so excited for you to experience this amazing feeling of being a Mummy. xxx

One last thing….don’t worry,  you probably won’t poo yourself in labour (I didn’t – woo hoo) but maybe keep Craig up by your head.. just in case .

LOVES YOU

xxx